Sleep, where are you?

I can't sleep. I should be getting used to this by now, take the Benadryl and pass out is about the only way I've found over the last couple of weeks. It's not quite 6 hours before I have to get up, that may be safe to try for a while, just to get enough zzz's to make it through the next day. But I've gotta get some real sleep.

Mind is racing all over the map...always happens on weekends like this one. I had a blast, I really did. It's just, well, hmm.

Part of my frustration that I've had in my life over the last, oh, six months especially has been this one thing that I promised myself. Not really a big deal, actually, yes it is, but it probably shouldn't be (or maybe it should be, I'm a tad confused :)). But here is my problem/dilemma. In previous posts, I have made this comment - "If you don't like something about yourself/your life, change yourself/your life." Most of the time, I point that logic to the "yourself" side (I am always trying to change something I don't like about me, whether it be bad habit, poor diet, bad financials, etc), but I made myself a promise in October of last year.

I had been on the dating shelf for a looooong time. I had put myself there. Long story short, loads of pain, tons of scarring that just wasn't healing doing what I was doing (in fact, probably getting worse - personal note to anyone else out there, an unhealthy relationship does not help with healing, trust me...), plus the fact that I had to find "me", or should I say, what was left of "me" and put it back together. And then make a pact with myself that I was going to always remember "me", which has always been difficult for me when I've dated. I had always been swallowed up by my girlfriends, completely and totally (or at least that is how I would feel). And I needed to find my path again, and remember how to walk it, and then walk it.

Well, I finally felt like it was time. I knew my exam was coming at the end of last October (the 28th to be precise). I promised myself that I was going to start dating again after that exam. I feel like I am ready again (otherwise I would have never posted about a certain admin I caught a shitload of grief for over this weekend - :) ).

The problem I'm having is twofold: 1st off, I'm pissed off at myself for not following through on a promise to the one person I promised I would never calculatingly lie to again, ME. 2nd off, honestly, I've been away from the "game" for so freaking long (yes, 5 years since my last serious girlfriend is a looooooonnnng time and 4 years prior to that) that I really don't have a clue anymore. No, I don't mean the physical side, I understand tab a slot b and all of the other wonderful tabs, buttons and touchable places for sexual pleasure for both people. That part is the simple part. It's all the other things that go with it (and now that I know how badly it can hurt you, I'm scared to death).

I have to at least try to go to sleep, but I wanted to say one more thing:

To everyone I hung with this weekend (C, C, T, and J and M and J, too), thank you. I had a great weekend (even with all of the guff I caught from all of you :) I hope I dished out as well as I took :) ).