The day after...

Well, after passing out last night to complete mental, emotional and physical exhaustion, I woke this morning feeling rather chipper.

I did go to work with a tad bit of apprehension, that someone may ask just the right question to get me thinking about Grandma and my mom again. I figured that would lead me to crying a bit and just feeling a little ugly. But instead, it started with some laughter - two of the guys are like my parents, completely orphaned now (as they put it) and they know of the difficulties of it. They were super cool to me, and I will probably never be able to express my gratitude to them for that. It let me get back into the work groove before the knucklehead questions came (let me see, I still think the best is Q:"So, how are you feeling?" A:"Well, like one of the most important people of my formative years will never give me advice again. Like she'll never be there to change the dressings on my wounds again. Like she'll never make me an amazing meal again. I'm feeling pretty shitty, thanks for asking." - I promise that I will do my damndest to never, ever ask that specific question of anyone who has just lost someone again, DUH).

Speaking of being supercool, C and C both called in the last day. C didn't get me last night, because, well, I passed out after writing my blog entry from yesterday. C got me today, and let me tell you, I have been blessed over and over with friends, but only so few would sit and listen to me blather for a long time like that.

Thank you, to both of you. I'm going to need more help, but it feels wonderful to know that my asking for help will get me some help (does that sentence make sense?).

Grandma is resting now...

Wow, was this a tough day. My grandmother was laid to rest today.

It was one of those things. I really always felt that we were, well, distant from each other. But there she was, gone. And I started crying. I was struggling with never seeing her shoulders shake with laughter again. Or wave her finger at me when I got her with a zinger (we don't "spare the whip" in our family when it comes to giving gentle - and sometimes really harsh - zingers) - followed by a good laugh. Or tell me again about what it was like during the Great Depression - or WWII. Or just tell me what she had seen in her lifetime. She had that wisdom (raising 14 kids will either make you crazy or teach you a whole lot of stuff about life the universe and everything, and I don't think she was completely nuts).

And then I got under control, we did the whole Mass and procession back out of the church. Mom followed Grandma (I was a pallbearer, so I was ahead of her). We had stopped and moved Grandma off to the side so folks could pass by, say their condolences, etc. Mom had this confused/crying look on her face. I caught her eye and she just made a beeline for a hug. And she cried harder in my arms. And I cried again...I don't remember a feeling so helpless, but looking at my mom and wanting to just make her feel better, but there was little I could do but stand there and hug her (pardon the spelling errors here, I'm crying as I type this and struggling with blurring). Words - in this case - only feel (and sound) completely hollow, making my whole head hurt. How can I help her heal? I guess just be there for the hugs she'll need, listen to her.

It was stunning. I was standing there, looking around the entry to the church. All of my living aunts and uncles made it, from Germany even. And do you know what the absolute hardest part of this whole thing was for me? Looking at all of these people in my parents generation and watching them cry. I know this might sound like an overstatement, but these people were invincible when I was growing up. Even now, I'm smaller than all but one of the men that are my mother's brothers. And these women were the "tough love" givers when all of us cousins got together at my grandparents house. But these people didn't cry, it just didn't happen, EVER! I don't know if it was the competition between siblings for the little bit of love my Grandpa could give or what, but they just DID NOT CRY! And there were my aunt's. uncle's, and Mom boo hooing like I do when I'm hurt. This was very confusing to me...kind of turned my world backward...THEY are supposed to help ME (or my cousin's) when I'm hurt, not the other way around. I sure hope I'm up to the task of helping Mom...I can tell she's needing it more with Grandma - they were really tight.

(and my customary selfish note)

Seeing this, I so want to go and grab the hands of time and stop them. So I never have to feel that way...horribly selfish, I know, but I don't ever remember being this scared about it.

Grandma

Grandma passed on this morning, just after midnite.

I am honored - I will be a pallbearer, along with my brother and a few cousins. She carried me around when I was little, now I get to help carry her to her final resting spot.

Mom's doing better than I thought she would be this morning, but I still might take a ride down to see her tomorrow. I think she's all cried out-not that she doesn't need to cry and grieve more, but more she's dehydrated as she's dropped a lot of tears already this week. I think her crying bone might be all wore out for a while.

This will sound bad, but I'm glad Dad had already been through this (he lost his parents almost 40 years ago). I don't have a clue what it would be like to lose a parent, so I don't know how bad it hurts, or how scary it is (I gotta believe it's scary as all hell - you're on your own now, live without a net). He does and I hope he can help her through this - she lost her dad a while back, but she was much closer to her mom.

Today's conversations and research....

Okay, today I was challenged by some friends to support the group fighting the Wisconsin "Gay Marriage" Amendment.

Here are some comments/random findings as I researched this subject further. I always do this on a subject that I am unsure of, mostly due to the fact I had not fully researched and learned about it completely. I will say, I still have not researched it enough for me to be an "expert" on this amendment, but I know what my heart tells me - this amendment is a bad, bad idea. From the research and comments I have read, I see this thing being used one way or another to persecute someone for being different. In my simple terms, this is bad. VERY bad. I know that my vote will be against it. And when discussed, I will argue against it.

Not just because of the anti-gay portion of it. Heck, in Wisconsin same-sex marriage is already illegal. I figure that with time, minds will be changed through education and enough people will come to understand that the gays and lesbians are just as human as the straights and this law will be repealed/changed.

No, the more important part is for myself - yep, I'm being selfish again (stunning, right? :) ). The part of this amendment that bothers me is the part that MIGHT have an effect on me in the future. The second part of the amendment basically says that civil unions are not okay...this seems very weird to me. I am a cynic about marriage. I look at it as a horrible idea. Basically, it is a contract that is based completely on emotion and lust (yes, a good marriage actually has more to it than that, but a lot of marriages are not good marriages). Not a good mix in my opinion. This amendment would force me to get married to protect my female partner (or vice versa, if that's how we decided to do things) with employer sponsored health insurance, etc (just one example of something like 200 rights that would be lost). And I honestly feel that that is the government meddling in my life a step way too far.

And finally a representative that says something I believe to the core of my being (and a Republican that makes me proud to say I'm more Republican than Democrat - the first in a long time...and one of the few comments that give me a glimmer of hope for the two party system we have...he uses an intelligent argument to make his vote, not his party line):

(From a story from the Wisconsin State Journal)

Rep. Gregg Underheim of Oshkosh, the lone Republican to vote against the amendment, told his colleagues they were crossing a line with their action.
"Constitutions were written to protect people who were different. Gay people are different and constitutions ought not treat them differently," he said. "What we are doing today is wrong."

EDIT: I disagree with some of his comment - Gays are different in only one aspect of their lives, who they happen to share their bed with. But they are not different in the fact that they are human beings.

Now I do have a comment about some of the comments I saw on some of the websites/blogs that I hit. It kind of makes me laugh, due to the underlying tone of the comments. The underlying tone basically makes the assumption that homosexuals will be better at this marriage thing than heterosexuals are. I guess the cynic in me says that is BULLSHIT! The only advantage for the gays and lesbians that I can see is that that the old adage "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" will not be as evident in their marriages. Just as one example, while I do not know the current status of their marriage, the first lesbian couple to get married in Massachusetts was seperated for at least a time (makes the cynic in me just say "HA! See? Marriage is stupid!").

Goes back to my original argument - homosexuals are just as human as heterosexuals...and deserve the same rights and privileges that I have as a heterosexual. If you are reading this as a human being in Wisconsin or any of the other states where this is being put up for state constitutional amendments, vote NO to the ban...it's just flat out wrong.

Love life

Since there have been questions, I must at least report.

As usual, this portion of my life is non-existent.

I have been emailing back and forth with the previous employer's administrative assistant. That does not look like fortune will smile upon me. As some of you know, she was living with her ex all summer, and as all of us who have ever seen a situation like that, she was back with her ex by the end of summer. She gave him the "ultimatum" that she has given in the past and they are split again. Let's just say, that's one f'd up situation that I'm not sure I want any part of.

I am supposed to be emailing another friends niece. I'm sending said email tonight. We'll see where that leads.

One of the front office ladies at the new job seems to always want me to go out. Not like in a harassing way, but just in the friendly "hey, check out this bar" or "hey, Oktoberfest is this weekend and this band is playing" kind of way.

So, as it is, love life is non-existent. At least that's what I'm used to after being single after all these years.

(Sorry, this is way off-topic, but I've got my music collection going behind me and it is still weird to hear Motorhead do Metallica's "Enter Sandman", no matter how many times I've heard it)